January, 2002

Theory of Quantum Information Finally Yields Practical Results

      CAMBRIDGE, MA— Today, noted MIT professor, Dr. Très Void, will unveil a paper in Nature Magazine which proves the following remarkable results: there are 10^120 qubits in the universe and 10^5 angels on the head of a qubit. Also, the universe has executed 10^90 elementary operations since Genesis.

"In principle,", said Dr. Void, "knowing these numbers will enable us to build quantum computers that can break all cryptographic codes, solve all NP problems in polynomial time, cure cancer, and search the power set of the Internet."

Dr. Ron Popeil, from IBM, recalls his first reaction to the paper: "We didn't think it was possible or useful to calculate such numbers, so we were all very pleasantly surprised by Dr. Void's paper. It was a bolt out of the blue."

Dr. Void recalled thus the scientific process of conception: "After inserting my credit card number into one of Feynman's equations, these mystical numbers started popping out of my calculator. I immediately called my New York Times friend, Mr. Yellow Pressman, to peer review my paper, and he confirmed that I was on the right track. Once Pressman had written an article for the NYT explaining my paper to the public, we were finally ready to unveil the paper to the scientific community."

Dr. Void and Mr. Pressman have collaborated numerous times since they befriended each other at the Santa Fe Institute for Aging Bullshit Artists. They are the co-inventors of many practical quantum computing devices, including a quantum computer that allows super-luminal communication and one built from a black hole. Dr. Void has also invented some powerful quantum computer algorithms for solving Schroedinger's equation, a problem of much interest in the 1920's.

January, 2002

© 2002, Artiste