D. Dutch Accuses

January, 2002

Prof. D. Dutch Accuses Prof. Brian Josephson of Preaching Unlikely Physics

BEDLAM, UK—Recently, Dr. Double Dutch (more about him here), professor at Oxford University, expressed much dissatisfaction with the teachings of Dr. Brian Josephson, professor at Cambridge University and winner of the 1973 Nobel prize in physics.

This box is a brief explanation of Prof. D. Dutch's Multiverse Theory of Quantum Mechanics.
We tried really hard to understand the "Fabric of Reality", but were making no headway, so we decided, hey, what we need are some examples. That's when we set out to find some examples of the Multiverse in D. Dutch's writings, and we came up with some intriguing ones:

In the universe familiar to us, Jozsa and Dutch collaborated to invent a quantum algorithm for deciding whether a function is balanced or unbalanced(crazy). As with all famous quantum algorithms, this one is of much practical value. The surprising thing is that in an alternate universe, D. Dutch invented the algorithm all alone, while Dr. Jozsa, the lazy bum, was drinking a soda at the corner ice cream parlor. These parallel histories are happening all the time in D. Dutch's multiverse theory. Egad! No wonder some people have such a hard time believing it.
In the universe familiar to us, Don Coppersmith invented the quantum fast Fourier transform. But in an alternate universe, it was D. Dutch who invented it first. (See quant-ph/9601018, wherein footnote 9 reads
[9] D. Coppersmith, IBM Research Report No. RC19642 (1994); D. Deutsch, un- published.
Prof. Dutch never published it because, while he was visiting the Royal Arboretum, a coconut fell on his head, giving him a touch of Gilligan's amnesia.
In the universe familiar to us, D. Dutch invented quantum computers after Benioff and Feynman had written papers and lectured publicly about quantum computers. But, as usual, the multiverse theory has a way of throwing a spanner into the works. According to "The Quest for the Quantum Computer" by Julian Brown Nose, page 362, footnote 13 for chapt. 3,
Benioff's model was a classical computer built out of quantum mechanical components, so it wasn't really what we nowadays call a quantum computer. On the other hand, Deutsch's paper proposing a test of the many universes interpretation (see Chapter 3, pages 111 fff.) used what we would now call a quantum computer and was written and circulated as a preprint in 1978. It was not published, though, until 1984.
So in a parallel universe, D. Dutch invented quantum computers while he was still in the cradle.

The bitter brawl started when the Royal Mail published 6 stamps commemorating the 100th anniversary of the Nobel Prize. British Nobel laureates were asked by the Royal Mail to write a brief description of their discoveries. These descriptions were compiled and published in booklet form. In his description, Prof. Josephson committed the faux pas of suggesting that Quantum Mechanics may some day lead to an understanding of telepathy.

"It is utter rubbish," said D. Dutch to the press, "Telepathy simply does not exist. The Royal Mail has let itself be hoodwinked into supporting ideas that are complete nonsense."

It's a serious problem. Loyal British subjects will never be able to trust their post office again, now that they're onto the fact that the members of the Royal Mail have such a poor understanding of Quantum Mechanics.

It's a sad tale all around. Both professors have been driven to insanity by Quantum Mechanics. But despair not. They are well taken care of. British society cherishes its eccentric scientists; they serve as a topic of mirthful conversation at the pub.

A sad tale, truly. After making major contributions to the theory of superconductivity which earned him the Nobel prize, Prof. Josephson began to hear a different drummer (or, maybe, little green leprechaun drummers). He turned his attention to taboo subjects such as the connection between Quantum Mechanics, consciousness, extra-sensory perception, and other paranormal phenomena.

Prof. Dutch, on the other hand, is a fervent preacher of the Everett multi-universe interpretation of Quantum Mechanics (See gray box on left side). New Scientist and other tabloids can't get enough of him. Proving the existence of multiple universes, and communicating, as if by Royal Mail, with those other universes, is Prof. Dutch's driving lifelong ambition. Of his papers, he is most proud of one that he published in 1984. The book "The Quest for the Quantum Computer" by Julian Brown Nose, describes that paper thus (page 22):

To test the existence of multiple universes, he envisage the construction of a thinking, conscious artificial intelligence whose memory worked "at the quantum level". Such a machine, he claimed, could be asked to conduct a crucial experiment inside its own brain, and report back to us whether Deutsch was indeed right to believe in the existence of parallel universes.